October 8^th 2013

Worried, very worried.

To make matters worse, auto-fill in my word program finishes "very" with "very-pregnant".

Marvelous.

Well in case you can't guess there is a big chance I am, indeed, very-pregnant.

Which I so don't want to be.

Don't get me wrong, potential future baby. If I am, I will learn to be excited about you. It's just not the situation I expected, y'know?

Obviously I know that I put myself here. Like. I'm not so dumb to think that my uterus is impervious to sperm, so...

I just kind of hoped it was. But I read the back of the package and "kind of hoping" is, like, 0.5% effective as a form of contraceptive. Shoulda gone with the condom.

None of this is confirmed yet so I guess I should chill and wait a few days before really freaking out. I'll give it till Friday till I can buy a pregnancy test.

I have never wanted a period this bad in my liiiife.

So as light-hearted as I sound about all that I'm actually pretty worried. I am twenty-two and I could make a good mom, I know that. But I don't really know that I can love selflessly. I'm, in general, a pretty selfish person. What if I'm not maternal enough to love my embryo. What if this is just the beginning of many mistakes made. And what if the dad decides not to be involved at all? I'd actually find that to be pretty shitty, even though the Giver of Life and I aren't involved beyond recreational sex. You know. Like tennis, but closer. And riskier.

I actually already told my mother and she's by me. I know that sounds premature but I couldn't go two weeks thinking my mom might not be a supporter. That might've actually killed me. Screw what everyone else thinks. If my mom stops loving me over this, life is over. The good news is she hasn't stopped loving me despite having a daughter with limited decision making skills.

I guess I'll be back in one to three days with either fantastic, tampon-y news or a less fantastic, curl-up-in-a-ball-and-watch-Juno news.