October 15^th, 2013

So things have taken a turn for the worst.

I found out something about the father that will put a definite snag to my near-perfect FWB (Friends With Baby) life I had imagined.

What had I imagined, exactly?

I mean, I need monetary help, and I know that will happen either way. But beyond that, I wanted some emotional support when he was ready to give it. Him at the ultra-sound when we hear the heartbeat or find out little boy or little girl, him at the hospital during or shortly after I've expelled the baby from my internal organs. And afterwards, him being in my baby's life a few times a month. Maybe even weekly.

That's not too much, right? I don't know. It seemed reasonable and just about perfect to me.

But because the father deals with a minor form of autism (aspergers), it might not be so simple. I don't know enough about that to know what is overcomeable and what is simply unscalable as far as challenges go.

I do know we all have our mental blocks. Clearly I plan things too much. And when something doesn't go according to my carefully prepared plans, I lose it. Beyond that, if I procrastinate over something it becomes A Thing. That Thing becomes, to me, what represents all of my failures and I will not touch it. Sometimes The Thing is big, like going to college. But more often it's so simple, like making a phone call or even bringing something in from my room or doing dishes.

The Thing scares me, because it tells me I screw up.

So I know that we all have these hangups, but I don't know how hung up he'll be over this. Will he be able to be there that often? Could we compromise to make him more comfortable? Would he be able to see his child once monthly, a medium that I would be impressed with in this situation.

I don't know what this is going to look like now, and I thought I did. He's putting on a brave face for me, but he's not going to adjust to this quickly at all. He's definitely not ready to come to terms with this, and he may not be for months.

It was almost perfect (as far as impregnated fuck buddies go).

And now I'm scared again.